Events of the last week have me thinking about something that’s true in a lot of contexts. A lot of people like to have control of a relationship; control of a situation; control of the message; or in this case, control of a community. I get it, realizing that you don’t have control can be unsettling. But in reality, not having control is the natural order of things and you’ll have a much better time of it once you realize that.

Let’s dive in. A controlling relationship is an easy start to the conversation, since most of us have either been in one or have witnessed one. We may have even been the offender; it’s very easy to accidentally fall into this role under certain circumstances. A relationship controller is quite often someone who’s terrified that the other(s) will leave or hurt them and so they tighten their grip more and more and more trying to prevent this. We all know the usual outcome; that grip becomes so tight that it forces an escape. The inability to let go of control leads to exactly the outcome that was most feared to begin with.

The same thing happens when one tries too hard to control a message. I don’t have to explain it to you. Google the Barbra Streisand effect for that.

As a seasoned community leader, I’m most interested in the context of community engagement. And in particular, technical open source communities centered around a product ecosystem — although this fundamentally applies to other community types as well. See, a lot of Product communities have a power imbalance at their very core. If the company can gatekeep merges, and packaging, and releases — then they have an outsized say in where the product goes. If they don’t want to invest in supporting Apple Silicon, it ain’t gonna happen even if community members volunteer to do the work.

Many companies mistake this imbalance as having control, even to the point of treating community members as if they were unpaid employees. I’ll give you a personal example of that. For most of our history, Puppet had an excellent community relationship because we remembered that we built ourselves off of their passion. As money got tight, some of the niceties got strained and some of the technical engagement started lagging. But we always treated them with respect and supported them as they grew and evolved the community. When they created Vox Pupuli, we celebrated and we never stopped celebrating it. Just before the pandemic did us in, a large part of what turned out to be Puppet’s final PuppetConf/Puppetize keynote centered Vox Pupuli as the independent community group that our success hinged on.

This changed rapidly after the Perforce acquisition. The community started being treated as liabilities and resources. At one point, the VP of Product at the time insisted on holding a community Zoom call the very next day or two to get feedback on some ideas he had. He said, “of course they’ll do it. They want to have input on what we sell!”

I’m sure they do. I collect feedback like that all the time. But community members who are freely giving their time for something they enjoy in a space where they feel welcomed and valued do not want to feel obligated to do so! That’s called a job and you collect a paycheck for it.

He didn’t understand when I tried to explain that he didn’t control them. They weren’t employees and he couldn’t expect them to prioritize his demands. He almost fired me when I refused.

Most companies in this position don’t understand how fragile and tenuous this power imbalance is. It only lasts so long as you own the roadmap and people still care enough to put up with your bullshit. As soon as the frustrations community feels about your behavior outweighs the work it is to just take on the roadmap themselves, then this power imbalance evaporates in an instant. And it’s generally irreversible because you’ve already tipped your hand as to how you’ll behave when you feel like you have the advantage. Your voice is no longer welcomed.

⚠️ A Product company never has control over their open source user community. They only have an illusion of it and by the time they realize this, it’s generally too late to recover.

To build a healthier community, they should be actively relinquishing control and cultivating influence instead. They will get very similar results, they just have to be more patient, honest, open, transparent,… You know, all the things that make a relationship work.

When you realize that you have zero control but as much influence as you are willing to develop, then you start behaving in ways that build a strong, loyal, and supportive community that will help see you through your missteps and always make sure that you have a seat at the table when decisions are being made.

  • You don’t lie to your community. You don’t always have to tell every single detail, and you can always couch things in softer terms or provide context. But you never lie.
  • You don’t make empty promises or excuses. You’re clear about what you can or can’t do.
  • You actively listen to their feedback and you care about it. In specific, you hear the pain that they have more than the words they use or the solutions they offer. You never “empty listen” and then throw it in the trash.
  • You take action on that feedback if warranted, but you’re always clear what should be expected.
  • You get really good at hearing what community wants and getting there before they have to ask for it. This gives you more influence in the growth patterns, just like cultivating a garden.
  • You participate in the day-to-day of the community and get to know what people value.
  • You are a role model, not a dictator.
  • You remind rather than enforce. In all the years I participated in and then managed the Puppet community, I rarely had to moderate users more than reminding them of the code of conduct.
  • You meet community where they are and where they want to be. You help them build a better table rather than insisting that they sit at yours.

In short, listen more than you proclaim, realize the value of your community members and never take them for granted, and help them build the space that they want — where they can feel welcome, accepted, and valued. Connect with people in a human way, rather than as a corporation using carefully crafted corporate doublespeak.

And let go of this anxiety-driven idea of control. You never had it anyways, and influence is far more valuable. Influence helps you build a lasting community and solid open source project in which you have a respected seat at the table.